003. like a cat

[hanabee]

[Rinne had mentioned once that Takasugi was prone to falling asleep on the couch, and ever since, Niki's made it a point to take a peek into the living room every time he passes by. There isn't always an opportunity to stop, of course—if he's on his way out to work, or in the middle of cleaning, he usually wouldn't bother him, letting him rest while he goes about his business. He certainly doesn't have a problem with him being there. It's just... there's something that's been on his mind for a while...

"Shinsaku looks like a cat," Rinne had explained to him. "But he's more like a dog, you know? So when you see him chillin', don't be shy."

Today, Niki's just come back from his shift, so right now, he has time. That means when he catches sight of Takasugi seemingly asleep on the couch, Niki quietly sneaks over to get a closer look.]

Comments

[takasugi]

( niki agrees so readily, and... he isn't sure he likes a portion of that answer. )

Turn around.

( a command with an urgency behind it, takasugi's tail rolling across fabric as he rearranges his seated position to be facing niki instead. sorry. niki literally just gained some privileges, and yet. )

[hanabee]

[Niki doesn't try to fight back when Takasugi starts shifting his position, his cute, fluffy ears escaping his touch, but he hesitates to do what he asks.]

Um, why do I get the feeling that I'm in trouble all of a sudden...?

[But slowly, he turns around, and... braces himself!]

[takasugi]

Because you are.

( only instead of punishment, a hand comes up to rest firm atop the back of niki's head. it's always astonishing that they're the same height, takasugi thinks, where it often seems to be diminished by takasugi's demanding attitude. here, he threads his claws idly throught stray strands of grey, carefully drawing his palm closer to the soft of niki's ear.

to, you know. start stroking the fine edge of it, of course. it's a form of payback only they can enact. )

You do realize that giving up a part of what makes you you wouldn't exactly make him happy, right? Though I'm more irritated with how easy it is for you to treat your whole personality like a mistake.

( and for all he asked out of curiosity, the only one who should be making a sacrifice that serious is the dead. he won't let them lose themselves if he can help it, takasugi's brows furrowing for the thought of it.

his claws press lightly into the thin of niki's ear, teasing the edge of it. )

[hanabee]

[The second Niki feels him touch his head, he flinches. Really, he's kind of surprised he didn't hit him! Even if Takasugi's never actually done that to him. But then, Takasugi starts to touch his ear, which sends a shiver through his body and... elicits a laugh.]

S-stop, that tickles! [He lifts a hand as if to stop him, but like... he kind of likes the attention. And it kind of makes him feel warm. So he doesn't actually try to stop him.] Was that a trick question or something? You know I'm not very smart, Prez!

[He was just being honest! He thought that's what he wanted! Maybe he should have just lied... But there is warmth in this gesture, and in his words, so Niki's kind of glad that he didn't.

These two...]

I am a difficult person, though. I think a lot of people's lives would be easier if I wasn't the way I was. [Rinne, the other bees, the other idols, his family... Even his own life would be easier for him.] But... ahaha, thanks. If you like me enough this way, then I'll try not to change too much.

[takasugi]

( he doesn't expect niki to flinch like that. it makes sense, given the back-and-forth banter he has with amagi rinne all the time, and yet. takasugi didn't flinch even when he knew a hit was coming, and for all he had never... well, besides that one time he threw that fork without warning... he had never hit niki directly. the darker urges in takasugi would simply ignore him if he were actually upset to a greater degree. they would put fire on his tongue and the smirk of a predator he never uses.

because niki always speaks so easily of his forever, and deep down, takasugi would love to take it. he's only realized that terrifying fact lately, while they're all together.

so he buries it. buries it with gentle scritches of his own, keeping it concealed somewhere between his ribs. no one needs to know that. he has other desires to focus on. )

Maybe it was a trick question. ( it was. ) But really, I'm genuinely just probing your brain. That besides, if you're sure that I like you, then wouldn't it end up hurting me too? ... Anyway. It's fine as long as you understand. I’ll stop going on about the “what ifs” regarding who might lose what, because realistically, none of us will. The outside source I'm thinking of using to fuel our journey across different layers of reality is related to my memories is all. If my totally crazy plan succeeds, ... I won't be able to hear him anymore.

( a couple more pets, takasugi as careful as one might be when pressing fingers against a baby animal's fur... until he starts tousling that ear and the hair atop niki's head. )

[hanabee]

[The gentle teasing starts to get a little more fierce, but it just makes Niki laugh more. It's probably thanks to the imprint that this still tickles even when he gets rougher, but more importantly... Is this supposed to be a distraction?!]

Wait, wait, wait, just a second! [This time, through his laughs, he does actually try to reach for Takasugi's hand, though it's a very loose attempt at resistance.] What do you mean?

[Maybe he should just pretend that he didn't hear it. It feels like something that maybe he wasn't meant to hear. But given what they're talking about...]

You said no one will have to lose anything, but it kind of sounds like you will.

[takasugi]

Not exactly. I won't lose anything of my actual person, or my memories.

( the teasing pauses, niki's hand finding its aim. )

I'm sure Amagi-kun told you I wished one of my creations here, Proto-Arahabaki. Only it came with an unexpected twist, and it...

( it stretches his heart so much to hear him. to think he's in there, somewhere, a consciousness thumping beneath metal. he tries not to think about it, nor the reminder that death is real and it came for them in completely different circumstances.

takasugi leans his shoulder into the back cushion of the couch. how did amagi-kun make this simple to explain that one time? )

Imagine you have one of those trendy flatbread pizzas that are all the rage now. You find out you really, really love it with mushrooms, but your best companion is allergic. So, you choose to remove them and go without for their sake. Or, your sake. The both of you.

[hanabee]

I think I get it. [Niki nods in understanding. He lets go of his hand.] So you really, really like mushrooms, huh?

[He turns back around here. While Niki doesn't actually know what "mushrooms" are to Takasugi right now, this feels like something that's important to say to his face.]

I think it would be really thoughtful of you to go without mushrooms just because we can't have them. But, you know, if it were up to me, I would just order another pizza. Or, if we can't afford that, then we could go half on toppings or something. There's no reason you should have to give up mushrooms forever. In fact, I don't think either of us would want you to.

[The way he talks about an "unexpected twist" kind of makes him feel like Takasugi might be a little conflicted about this. He's reminded of the situation with Ariadne's Thread...]

You don't wanna give them up, either, do you?

[takasugi]

( takasugi's face crinkles slightly. there's a denial on the back of his tongue, a complaint because this analogy isn't as good as he was hoping it would be.

but it all dissolves in an instant the moment he drags his arms up to pull niki into an embrace, something that’s felt so much more natural lately. the weight of a decision he's made on his own hefts a little lighter on his chest when niki's heartbeat blooms against it, the heat spilling like the scent of fresh linens on a bright afternoon. takasugi nudges his face against niki's shoulder in order to bathe himself in it, this body that's so used to holding people that are older than him. this heart that shows warmth on the daily. )

I never wanted to give up mushrooms. Honestly, I don't know how I can live without them.

( the moment he let go will be there with him forever. he won't forget. he can't forget. )

It's a little more complicated than just not wanting to, or being allergic, though. Maybe I'm not explaining myself properly, because... I would work hard to be able to ditch my favorite topping for this other friend in a heartbeat. I already said I would. And when you can't have what you want and order another one, that's just how it is. It's a little painful, but I guess life has its share of little things that turn into a constant pressure over time. Whether you'd want me to or not, some things just have to be. You know... with toppings.

( it totally isn't about toppings and they both know it, but whatever. )

Squeeze me back a little bit. Then I'll forgive you properly for waking me up, too.

[hanabee]

[Oh... Takasugi's little demand, almost as if he'd die of embarrassment if Niki didn't do it, makes him smile. He wraps his arms around him easily and gives him a long, hard squeeze.]

Nahaha, you don't even have to ask. That's one of the best parts about being hugged, you know?

[Niki doesn't completely understand, of course, but he thinks he gets the idea of it. There's something inside that creation of his that reminds him of someone he loved. Takasugi had said he didn't like talking about the people from his life (for understandable reasons), so if it's someone that, even now, he doesn't know how to live without... It's safe to assume it's someone he loves.

With a hand, he strokes his back, his usual gentleness ever present. If there's nothing else he can do for him, he'll be glad that he can at least do this.]

It sounds like you've already made up your mind, but if you love mushrooms so much, I wish you wouldn't give them up so easily, even if it's for us.

[It sounds like it's really complicated. Maybe it's worth losing this thing if it means someone gains another. Or maybe it's more like, he feels like he'll be happier if he can finally let go of it? A constant pressure, he said, another friend...

Niki's only had the smallest glimpse of the life he lived. He can really only imagine the people he knew, the unfulfilled thoughts and desires. Maybe the most important question right now, then, is...]

If you can never have mushrooms again, would you regret it?

( 1 / 2 )

[takasugi]

I'm an embodiment of the memories and history of Takasugi Shinsaku, the dazzling star of Choshu.

It goes without saying that I might have a regret or two. Not for who I am and what I represent or anything, but.

( he exhales through the little squash of force, reciting the following into niki's shoulder softly. )

"This far in, what is there to say? The late cherry blossoms flutter away, carried by the winds of my hometown."

( 2 / 2 )

[takasugi]

... Alright. Enough with the metaphor that makes it sound like I'm about to devour Shouin-sensei. It's getting strange. Whose idea was it to do this again?

( freeze-frame, and then a dramatic pause. )

That's right. It was mine.

( pat-patting on niki's back himself now. )

Anyway, there's only so long I can dwell on this, especially when I've already made my mind. If what I'm thinking of doing succeeds, we have a solid shot at getting out of here, so count on your esteemed President to handle it.

[hanabee]

[Ah... He kind of figured it would turn out like that. He knew he was tiptoeing around an extremely sensitive subject, so his response makes sense, but still...

Niki's finger toys with his hair, long strands wrapping around his finger. He's not taking advantage of the situation, it's just... Rinne's hair has always been short, so Niki never gets to do this! That's all!]

Okay, okay, I get it. We don't have to talk about it anymore. I just think it's okay to be selfish, you know?

[This is usually the opposite of what people would say. Giving up what you love for the sake of others is noble... or something like that. Rinne was like that. HiMERU had been, too. Kohaku had always hated it. They were people whose lives meant little in the grand scheme of things, so it made sense, but...

Life isn't fair, so why should they have to play by the rules?]

If you want to keep your totally-not-mushrooms, then maybe we can find a way to do it. I'll help you. I'm not saying you have to, but it's something to think about. I'm sure someone with a big brain like yours can probably figure it out! But only if you want to.

I know you feel like it's your responsibility, but it wouldn't sit right with me if you gave up something you love to keep us safe. I think Rinne-kun wouldn't like that, either. Why should we have to give things up when no one else has to?

[Takasugi's already made up his mind, so maybe there's no point in saying all this. Maybe he won't give this further thought at all. Either way...

He gives him another squeeze.]

Whatever you decide to do, I'm here for you. We'll make it work. So, no stress, Prez, no stress~.

[takasugi]

( only in death would he not have to give these things up, but takasugi had found the resolve to put that behind him, or so he thinks. it's all too easy to imagine shouin-sensei scolding him sternly for being so hung up on this, where in the end, it really didn't matter. their history was buried beneath the earth somewhere, their accomplishments or lack thereof so inconsequential in another world. nevermind the things he couldn't fix, or the organization that threatened to control their every movement. he has more important things to worry about in the here and now.

in order to keep a promise, takasugi would find the hysterical want to follow him that still lurks beneath his skin and tear it out by force. )

Don't forget the time limit, Shiina-kun.

( you know. on hugs. the one that had nothing to do with niki and is more to keep takasugi from abusing his time with rinne.

he releases the hold, not at all concerned with the way niki had been playing with his hair. his little sisters would thread their hands through it so much, and... it feels kind of similar in this instance. his back presses against the cushion, a palm raising to gesture out in front of them and articulate on his next point. )

You never know. My next invention could blow up in the middle of the ocean and we go flailing through the air and straight into the cold.

( a beat. he's imagining. )

You know how to swim, right?

[hanabee]

No, no, there's no time limit on hugs.

[That's just common sense? He's not thinking about the rules at all! But despite Niki's "correction," he lets Takasugi go all the same, figuring he's probably gotten what he needed out of the embrace, at least for now. He settles in next to him, his back against the couch.]

There's no way that'll happen... Right? [You know, it makes sense that every invention can't be perfect the first time, but he really didn't want to think about these possibilities!] I mean, I can swim, but I kinda hope I don't have to, so please don't plan around that, alright?

[But, actually... On the subject of things that might or might not happen, Niki tilts his head.]

Hmm, but you know, if we go somewhere else, I wonder if our devices will still work. It'd kind of be a problem if we got separated or something.

[takasugi]

( yes, ... thank you for complying. he needs the excuse to clear his embarrassment over the comfort. )

I hadn't thought about that at all. ... Hmm. Maybe I should just tie you both to me for a bit with a rope.

( a swift slap on niki's upper shoulder. )

Despite your constant doubts about your own intelligence, you brought up a potential issue I hadn’t even considered just yet. Well done, Shiina-kun!

[hanabee]

R-really? [That's not the sort of reaction he expected at all, so Niki's actually a little flustered. He looks away.] I-It's nothing impressive... It's just easier for me to keep an eye on you guys that way, that's all.

[Even when he and Rinne tried to leave ES, they'd had their own phones to keep up with the news and everything. It's hard to imagine not having any sort of line of communication at all.]

I'm sure you would have thought of it eventually. I wasn't really worried or anything, though. With you around, I think everything will work out just fine.

[takasugi]

( hmm. he didn't expect him to be that bashful over the compliment.

it gives takasugi time to observe the fine strands that hug niki's cheeks, the lips that had whined so casually over the way he avoided their physical affection just days ago. their matching earrings, a sign of something magical they wanted to share with him. but despite the way he can appreciate a handsome young man this close to him, let alone one he's felt the curves of and his hot breath up against his throat, takasugi still holds himself at a metaphorical distance. the weight of a tiger's paw still lingers on his shoulder. )

With me around, ... huh.

( takasugi stretches his arm out against the backrest behind them, leaning his neck back a little. )

Since you're here and I'm awake now, I've got something else on my mind that I'd like to discuss, actually. The matter of why you want to kiss me so bad all of a sudden. Did he tell you to do that?

( there's a calm lilt to takasugi's tone, but his eyes are sharp and observant. they could fall through the back of this couch and he'd still be watching. )

I know for a fact that I'm ridiculously charming, but I also know you're not in love with me.

( not to corner niki about this while they're alone, but. he's doing it. he's absolutely grilling him on this out of nowhere!! )

[hanabee]

[Ahh! Well, truthfully, when Takasugi said he had questions, this is actually what Niki expected him to ask first. He was actually kind of surprised that he didn't! He almost thought he was going to get away with it, to live another day...

But it's not like he regrets it or feels ashamed or anything like that, either. It wasn't like Niki had no regrets about anything ever—he certainly did. This just wasn't one of those things. He shakes his head at his question.]

Well, for one thing, I don't think you have to be in love to have fun. [He says this completely casually. While Rinne had pretty strong feelings about what love and relationships should be like, Niki'd never had reason to feel that way. If anything, it was the complete opposite.] It's not like there are any rules you have to follow in order to feel good. And no, he didn't tell me to do that. I did it because you smelled really good and I felt like it. Oh, except for that last time. I did that because I thought it would help. But honestly, I don't think he would have minded either way.

[Hmm... It's hard to explain. Or, rather, it's hard to explain in a way that would satisfy him, maybe. When he and Rinne had talked about it, they actually didn't have to say a lot—when you know and understand each other so well, sometimes, you don't really have to. But Takasugi isn't quite like that, and it's actually pretty complicated, and Niki isn't sure what explanation he can give that won't hurt or insult.]

But I do like you. I want you to be well. I want you to keep having fun with us. I know he wants all that for you, too. That guy wants to make everybody happy. You deserve that just as much as I do.

[takasugi]

( not the mixed signals from different people... )

And I appreciate the time it really helped. ... Well. The other time was beneficial in a different way, but—

( that time at practice had been unusually sensual, and he hasn't forgotten it. takasugi's claws dig into the fabric. )

That's exactly what I'm saying. That you like me, but you don't have the spark that makes your heart want to collapse in on itself whenever you see me.

( ... not that he's sure rinne feels that way either, despite everything they've done and the reassurances. but he doesn't want to think about that right now. )

Trust me. I get how easy it is to hook up with someone for fun and a good time, but eventually, gradually, feelings can start to blossom. I was already lectured fairly quickly on this before, where my experiences vary wildly from the both of you. But aren't you already sacrificing enough in just letting me be around, not to mention what the two of us touching each other would mean without the third party involved? You could just laugh and tell me it's a fruitless endeavor to be pining after a married man all the time. You could laugh at me, too, for being so rigid when I used to have the loosest lips of all. I'm grateful that you care so much, but I...

( where is he going with this, exactly? niki's so casual about it that it almost throws him off. isn't takasugi the one who does what he wants, when he wants regardless? only now, it feels like he might choke. he does care. he cares too much, maybe. so why does he have to feel stupid for being so... )

But I already took my heart out and gave it away, so I want you to at least understand that I'll never come to look at you like a lover... even if I do start to get comfortable. This is my way of looking after your own happiness, Shiina-kun.

1/2

[hanabee]

My own happiness, huh?

[Niki hums thoughtfully.]

Would it be easier if I was in love with you?

[A rhetorical question. He's pretty sure that's not the case, but he's finding it difficult to understand what he does want.

...well, no, that's not entirely true. He does know what he wants, but it's something he can't give him. Niki has his own promises to keep, too, after all.]

[hanabee]

[After a moment, though, Niki brightens up in potential understanding.]

Oh, wait, I think I get it. You're worried I might fall in love with you, but you can't love me like that even if I do. Is that it?

[takasugi]

( a beat, and then, with another energetic pat on niki's back: )

We're making some serious headway here, Shiina-kun. That's exactly what I mean.

( not to distract from the first assertion niki made so casually, but. )

[hanabee]

I guess that makes sense. When you look like that, you probably do have to worry about that stuff.

[He had warned Rinne about it back when they were younger. He always had people bugging him for something or other on the street, despite the fact that he was probably the person there who knew the least. Pretty people problems! Niki could not relate.]

Honestly, I never even thought about it. He never said I couldn't, though. And I'm pretty sure he wouldn't mind if I did, either.

[Rinne had said some embarrassing things about that, actually. "I bet you could take better care of Takasugi-san," he had said. "You were always good at that." Niki didn't agree with that, but as long as Rinne wasn't forgotten or left behind, then whatever he did was probably fine. It was easy enough to keep in mind, anyway, because that's how Niki felt, too.]

But I don't think you have to worry about that. I get that you can't help how you feel, and I wouldn't ask you to change that, either. As long as you don't hate me, I don't really have any complaints~♪.

[The bar is so low! Or, rather, that's not what he was looking for here in the first place.]

[takasugi]

No, no. I'm pretty sure he would. Aren't you the most important person in his life?

( next to hiiro-kun, that is. the two he's aware of that stand above him in a hierarchy that's a little more than unspoken.

because for takasugi, a true indiscriminate love doesn’t really exist, even if he's committed himself to being an idol. that might be why he struggles to maintain the act around his fans. as niki continues to prattle on about how he should feel, the weight in his chest starts to get heavier, and...

he knows that niki is just trying to be reassuring. he should take their efforts more seriously, or at least try to. anyone reasonable would see that he's the one being difficult, especially since he’s never been the type to ask for permission before chasing after someone. )

But I don't hate you. I don't know how you got that idea in your head, but you might as well remove it entirely. After all, aren't we...

( his gaze flits away, embarrassed. )

Bound together by fate now? Including a few other things. As long as you get my perspective, I can likely accommodate some of your needs... later... when the time is right.

( a bump into niki's shoulder, takasugi leaning in to let the connection spill a warmth that's more frank. )